Thanks for the change

Through workshops, online discussions and other interactions, I've met plenty of folks saddled with chronic pain who have little to no support from family or friends. There was the lady who slept on the couch because it hurt to sleep in her bed, whose mother blithely asked her to run errands. There was the man stooped and bent by pain whose wife saw his condition as an inconvenience that she could somehow nag away. There was the woman whose relatives suspected -- despite x-rays and other physical evidence of her conditions -- that she was lazy and probably seeking drugs.

It didn't take many stories like this to make me realize how lucky I am to actually have someone on my side. People who live with us chronic pain sufferers deal with a lot. We're not the people we used to be, and that's tough, both for spouses who didn't expect the whole "in sickness and in health" thing to be the biggest part of their vows, and for family members who've seen a loved one change. These people have to pick up the slack when it comes to housework, driving and other tasks. From the pain itself, drugs and side effects, we're often moody or irritable. And unless they're like the jerks I mentioned above, they must cope with all these life changes without blaming us.

And these things aren't your fault. Unless you went out and did a few lines of coke and then jumped off a building, your situation isn't likely something that you could have prevented. But just as it's important to accept the changes in yourself and not blame yourself for your conditions, it's also crucial to understand how your loved ones have had to adjust.

It's been a long road with Mrs. Lucky, and I am thankful for her support and understanding every single day. She's a tough cookie, and she's coped with my conditions -- not just the chronic pain -- like a trouper over the years. But it's been a learning process for her, and we've had to work together to make things easier for both of us.

So unless you're in a situation like those examples above, take a moment to thank your partner and other loved ones for their help, patience and understanding. You've got an incredible challenge, but it's affected them, too. Make them feel appreciated for handling the change as best they can, and maybe ask what you can do to help them cope (remembering not to apologize for your conditions). Often, just acknowledging their role in your care can make someone's day.

Goodbye, nice lady...please stay.

Started with a new therapist today, and part of the preliminaries included getting her caught up on everything I've had to tell to several people before. You see, I have this magic touch: I see a therapist once, and they a) leave town, b) leave the practice, c) start taking on more group sessions, d) vanish for some other reason. If I wasn't better adjusted, I'd wonder if it was something to do with me.

This is my sixth therapist, and I like her a lot. She's already got me scheduled for two more follow-ups, which is two more than I ever got with anyone else. Now, if she just doesn't get a better offer from Denver or someplace, I'll be making real progress.

Be careful what you wish for...

I've had some pretty noticeable tinnitus in my right ear lately, and was referred to an audiologist for a hearing test as the first step in rooting out the cause. Apparently, all cases of tinnitus are referred for hearing tests first, because, as the doctor doing the exam told me, "[general practitioners] don't know what else to do." It's frustrating, but at least the test was free, and I learned a couple of things, among them that I have a little hearing loss in the ear without the tinnitus. Go figure.

The doctor shared an interesting story. Several years ago, it seems, this particular clinic hosted weekly tinnitus checkups. On Saturday mornings, patients could see a maxillofacial specialist, a neurologist, a dentist and a host of other specialists in one place, all in hopes of finding the cause of their particular stripe of tinnitus. One such patient was a woman who was so sick of suffering from tinnitus that she opted to have her auditory nerve severed to rid herself of the affliction. She knew going in that she would be deaf in the affected ear, but it was worth it to her to have relief. After the surgery, she awakens to find that, yes, she's deaf in the affected ear...but the tinnitus is still there. It was then, the doctor told me, that he stopped participating in the weekly clinics.

Now it's up to my GP to take the next step in diagnosing the cause of my tinnitus. Until my next appointment, I'll be happy to pace myself. The audiologist's little cautionary tale was a reminder that my own second opinion can be the most important.

Traveling Without a Net

It's been a long time since I've taken a trip of any real length, and the one I'm planning for late next month is a doozy. With the freedom of a retiree, I'm spending a week at my mother's in Arkansas (haven't seen her in ten years), followed by another week visiting friends in St. Louis (where I lived for much of my childhood and young adulthood) and Kansas City.

Needless to say, the trip's going to bring some challenges. I'll be flying from San Diego to Arkansas, then to St. Louis, and from Kansas City back home to California. That's a lot of sitting. While there's not a lot of activity planned at Mom's (she lives in a small town and I'm there pretty much to catch up), the St. Louis leg of the trip involves socializing almost daily and a bunch of family tree research. This means a lot of driving, as does the journey up to KC.

And did I mention I'm making the trip alone?

This is all a little intimidating. The advantages of being close to home, having Mrs. Lucky nearby in case of emergency (or even angst), the comfort of a familiar bed to turn to when it gets to be too much physically or mentally, I'll be without all of these and more for two weeks. I only leave our apartment a few times a month these days.

But I'm already starting to reap some of the trip's benefits more than a month before I leave. For instance, I've written frequently in this blog about my non-existent social life. Well, one of the people I'm visiting in St. Louis is my childhood best friend, whom I haven't seen in more than 20 years. My Kansas City buddy (whom I've known since high school) just got over a nasty divorce and I get the feeling from our email correspondence that my visit might do him as much good as it will me. One highlight of St. Louis will be dinner with a group of co-workers from a job I left nearly 16 years ago. It's the world's biggest cliche, but our crew was like family, and seeing them RSVP one by one on Facebook has been as good as any therapy.

The journey will also force me to plan wisely and act on those plans. I'm only in town a week, so there's no putting off seeing anyone on my list. Rescheduling with anyone isn't an option. I'll also get a much-needed boost of self-confidence. Many of my nagging fears about the trip are unfounded, and just watching the journey unfold will prove to myself that I'm capable.

There'll be plenty of updates before and during the trip. In the meantime, I'm quietly reminding myself just how important this trip will be to my ongoing journey through the healing process.